Id arrived back in Cardiff and had been inside my new home for fifteen minutes before I left for the pub, it just seemed so bare and smelt like the 1970s! The weeks that followed just made me feel even more miserable. My household contents were minimal so I was boiling water in a wok, cooking in a wok, eating from a wok. Also it appeared that the cool thing for cats to do is piss up my backdoor, so for the first few weeks my house smelt like a neglected Nana’s pants and then there were the spiders, so many of them I actually felt like I was living in a web.
One averagely mundane day I was watching this spider with pure amazement through my glass door; I have never seen a spider so big in my life. Whilst watching, two wasps fly up onto the roof terrace right near Mama Legs’ web, she makes a pounce with her mother fucking 6 feet legs and grabs one of the wasps and runs into a crack with it! My mouth actually dropped open; the only thing missing was David Attenborough’s voice narrating the event. I can honestly say that I haven’t been that mortified since I saw Geri Halliwell’s dress for the Spice Girls reunion.
A few days later I get a broom and wipe away the webs, Mama legs falls and runs out into the world. A few days later, after a few lemonades, I look out onto my garden and who is waiting on the wall for me? Fucking Mama legs, she’s wearing Burberry and sovereigns and screams at me that she’s old east end, proper, and I shouldn’t mess with her! I re-introduce her to the broom!
I also have the world’s smallest toilet; It’s like Hagrid from Harry Potter trying to take a shit on a Hobbits toilet. When you sit down your knee will bang the door open!
Then there are the fucking seagulls. The first time I heard them I was convinced it was the apocalypse! Ive never seen or heard anything like it, it was how I would have imagined the Blitz! Hitler had dropped his load in the form of gulls all over my street. There was rubbish all over the streets and if they weren’t squawking, fucking or eating they were fighting over food. Also they ate my weight watchers quiche.
The final rotten cherry of my new homely experience came in the form of traffic equipment. I came home from a night on the tiles and I was eating a kebab on the end of my bed, Kerry Katona style. This is when I noticed a traffic cone on the bedroom floor. At first I assumed I’d brought it home with me, then I saw all the glass and as I was relatively sure I hadn’t thrown it through my own window it dawned on me like a big dirty STD...I hate living here!
