Naughty Little Rivers.

I recently wrote the following status on Facebook, “My brother and I once made a SIM of our stepfather, deleted the doors, cooked until there was a fire and we laughed whilst he burned to death”

This got me thinking about my childhood, for quite an innocent looking thing I was in short, a little bastard and here is the evidence to support that.

Benidorm - On a family holiday to Benidorm I found a new hobby, playing in lifts, I had been told not to so obviously, I played in them all the time. Now I couldn’t have been any older than 7, my little brother was still in a pushchair, mainly cus he was a fat fuck! A girl, also on holiday took a shine to me and used to follow me around, this got on my little boy tits! One sunny day whilst left unattended by the pool, very Mrya Hindley like, I told the girl I wanted to play a game. I took her in the lift (and fucked her with a float...just kidding) and proceeded to the top floor, once there I asked her to race me out, she ran leaving the lift and I pressed the button back to the ground floor...Pleased with my work, I skipped back to the pool...This is when I heard the almighty screams from the girl stuck at the top balcony, My Dad saw me coming from the lift, and just knew I was responsible! He smacked me, he had to everyone in the Hotel thought I was a mini Fred West, On the plus side, she stopped following me.

The Bishop – I attended a Catholic school as most of you know. One year was more important than usual as a V.I.P Bishop (Bishop GAGA) was coming to do a mass for us, oh the excitement! The hype went on for weeks, the R.E teachers all got their library haircuts trimmed and brought new knee length skirts for the occasion! Mrs. Murphy even got a new broach, the minx! So just like when the Pope comes at the end of Sister Act, the whole school is there to listen to this probable child molester talk about that Christ dude. My best friend at School was Lucy Milkamanavicius and we decided that this visit needed spicing up. We repeatedly did the Mexian Wave through-out Mass, giggling. It was, to be fair, very funny, until at the end when I was face to face with my head of year and very short of a valid excuse, we both had cramp didn’t work. I wasn’t laughing when a letter was sent home and I had to write a letter of apology to Bishop Gaga. I obviously learned my lesson as the year after we gave the Jesus in our main hall a bindi during one mass, using a laser pen.

Discount Videos - In Walsall, where I grew up their used to be a shop called ‘Discount Videos’ It was high up in the Quasar centre and had lots of sections in the widow and was the main focus from outside on the High Street. So in each section of the window was a letter, D...I...S...spelling out Discount videos in capital letters. Lucy and I decided that we wanted to change the spelling, this task was easy as the words were just display boards with letters in the window, So we looked at it kinda like a big game of scrabble...We spend 20 minutes in the shop carefully re-arranging and turning round boards until we were happy with the outcome. We turned round the letters we didn’t need so they appeared blank from the outside, once done we went back on to the High street to look at our masterpiece...There it was’ CUNT videos’, we sat there on a bench pointing at it going ARRRRRRR.....

Luckily, I grew up saw the light, found Christ and changed the error of my ways...